Alice's Adventures at the Pantomime - a Christmas Carroll by Nic Ford and GIlda Pacitti     Alice's Adventures at the Pantomime - a Christmas Carroll by Nic Ford and GIlda Pacitti5

Alice’s Adventures
at the
Pantomime

A Christmas Carroll
by Nic Ford
and Gilda Pacitti

For the Hollingburies, without whom
this would never have been necessary.1

I.
  Through the Stage Door Through the Stage Door
II.
  Mackintosh and Mystery Mackintosh and Mystery
III.
  To Hang a Book . . . To Hang a Book . . .
IV.
  The Whether-House The Whether-House
V.
  Mirror Writing Mirror Writing
VI.
  The Voyage of the Pwmgraf The Voyage of the Pwmgraf
VII.
  Panicking Panicking
VIII.
  The Major and the Miner The Major and the Miner
IX.
  A Bill for a Bombay Duck A Bill for a Bombay Duck
X.
  Alice's Assessment Alice's Assessment
XI.
  Watch! Watch!
XII.  Old Acquaintances Old Acquaintances

Meeting, as we are, this New Year's Eve,2
Enjoying, as we do, the Pantomime,
Rememb'ring all those days on Brighton Beach,
Reliving (though we'd rather not) past times,
You look a trifle jaded; might I ask
Could I tell a story? Would you mind?

How about a torrid tale of woe,
Resplendent in its agony and vice?
Instead, perhaps, a comedy or farce?
Some melodrama, then; that should suffice.
Too much? I have another style to try:
Maybe a tale of Alice would entice.

Alice in the Glass or Wonderland
Stayed, in days gone by, the spirit’s ire.
Alice’s adventures always were
Noted for their talent to inspire.
Doubt not! Another shall be writ here, with
An introductory verse (though pretty dire).

Hear anew the tale. This curious girl:
Alice, who is one New Year’s Eve
Partaking of a seasonal treat; to the
Pantomime she is taken. Who’d believe
You and I have tickets for the same?
No-one! But it is time to go – we leave!

Enter the theatre; look around.
Where are our seats? Well, just as last year
You've found we have Row A! We sit before
Edith, having brought her sister; dear
Alice, whose excitement now has waned; she’s
Restless as the curtain's rise draws near . . .

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First published 1991 as a joke by Panguin Books Ltd3
This version published 2000
Copyright © 1991 and 2000 the Author and the Artist
All writs reserved

ISNT 0-907486-21-54

This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall be re-sold, leant, mis-quoted, used as a definition in Fictionary, and made to take part in any one of a dozen other interesting diversions, without the permission of anyone at all. After all, Nic and Gilda spent bloody ages on it just to give it away as a present, so it would be a little churlish for them to suddenly start putting pre-conditions on the thing now, wouldn't it?